Thursday, August 31, 2006


One late spring day while working at the grocery store, I was in the checkout lane checking groceries when one of the new courtesy clerks came up to help me bag. This CC was CUTE! Freckle faced, spikey hair, perky T&A, demure. She would look down as she smiled at me. It drove me crazy and I couldnt stop thinking about her!

One big problem: she was 16 years old. I had recently turned 25. Obviously I wasnt allowed to like her. So I set about asking her questions trying to find something about her that I didnt like so I could focus upon that and use that negative to stop liking her. I couldnt find anything. So we talked after work out at the beat up grey minivan she was driving. It was a nice night and we talked for hours. With all those hours of talking to her I couldnt find anything I disliked about her. We talked so long that her mom came looking for her (and was she mad!)

We became fast friends. Best friends. We would talk for hours and hours. I had a cell phone and I would be talking on one battery while charging the other. Eventually I would end up being tied down to the chargers cord itself so we could keep talking. She kept the phone right next to her bed so she could answer it before it woke her parents. We talked of absolutely everything. And a lot of nothing simply to hear each other's voice.

We spent hours and hours hiking. Once a week during the school year, twice a week during the summer. It was a 30 minute drive just to pick her up, then a 45 minute (or longer) drive to the mountains. We never ran out of things to say. We would explore the mountains, climb rocks (she loved doing that) and generally try for the best possible view. Even hiked in snow and fog and rain at times.

I remember asking her out. She had finally quit the grocery store and we had both been on edge for a couple of weeks with the tension between us. Both waiting for something more to happen. We ate at a restraunt then went on a walk. It was cold outside for an august night so we stayed close to each other for warmth but by the end of that walk she had said yes and I think we were both warmed by what we were feeling.

These are some of the things that I want to remember when I think of her. All the fun times, the times when we meant so much to each other. When hearing her voice was enough because it held so much warmth. Now there is only ice and it kills me. Now there is only heartache for me and I dont want to remember any of this! She took her heart from me a long time ago, but she still has mine. It hurts so fucking bad I cant breathe.

"Relinquishing hope for the future
I try not to hate it so
But you are a bridge to those memories
I try to forget, if you only knew

Is there somewhere
I could seperate this feeling from memory
disconnect myself from me?

Is there somewhere to occupy emotion?
A room to keep my rage away from you?
Just tell me when these hopeless days are over
I'll open my eyes and see my new day rise
I dont deserve this"
Disconnect, Sixpence None The Richer