Thursday, August 31, 2006


One late spring day while working at the grocery store, I was in the checkout lane checking groceries when one of the new courtesy clerks came up to help me bag. This CC was CUTE! Freckle faced, spikey hair, perky T&A, demure. She would look down as she smiled at me. It drove me crazy and I couldnt stop thinking about her!

One big problem: she was 16 years old. I had recently turned 25. Obviously I wasnt allowed to like her. So I set about asking her questions trying to find something about her that I didnt like so I could focus upon that and use that negative to stop liking her. I couldnt find anything. So we talked after work out at the beat up grey minivan she was driving. It was a nice night and we talked for hours. With all those hours of talking to her I couldnt find anything I disliked about her. We talked so long that her mom came looking for her (and was she mad!)

We became fast friends. Best friends. We would talk for hours and hours. I had a cell phone and I would be talking on one battery while charging the other. Eventually I would end up being tied down to the chargers cord itself so we could keep talking. She kept the phone right next to her bed so she could answer it before it woke her parents. We talked of absolutely everything. And a lot of nothing simply to hear each other's voice.

We spent hours and hours hiking. Once a week during the school year, twice a week during the summer. It was a 30 minute drive just to pick her up, then a 45 minute (or longer) drive to the mountains. We never ran out of things to say. We would explore the mountains, climb rocks (she loved doing that) and generally try for the best possible view. Even hiked in snow and fog and rain at times.

I remember asking her out. She had finally quit the grocery store and we had both been on edge for a couple of weeks with the tension between us. Both waiting for something more to happen. We ate at a restraunt then went on a walk. It was cold outside for an august night so we stayed close to each other for warmth but by the end of that walk she had said yes and I think we were both warmed by what we were feeling.

These are some of the things that I want to remember when I think of her. All the fun times, the times when we meant so much to each other. When hearing her voice was enough because it held so much warmth. Now there is only ice and it kills me. Now there is only heartache for me and I dont want to remember any of this! She took her heart from me a long time ago, but she still has mine. It hurts so fucking bad I cant breathe.

"Relinquishing hope for the future
I try not to hate it so
But you are a bridge to those memories
I try to forget, if you only knew

Is there somewhere
I could seperate this feeling from memory
disconnect myself from me?

Is there somewhere to occupy emotion?
A room to keep my rage away from you?
Just tell me when these hopeless days are over
I'll open my eyes and see my new day rise
I dont deserve this"
Disconnect, Sixpence None The Richer

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

I thought wrong

I thought I was over the worst of the pain. Looks like I was wrong. Damnit

Friday, August 25, 2006

Beavis & That Other Guy

Remember the Beavis & Butthead show? Who can forget it? Two dumb kids talking trash and doing dumb things. And there there is Butthead's laugh.

Well, it has recently come to my attention that I may have to watch out for similar behavior in my son. The other day while trying to clean his bottles he was becoming impatient and getting upset and loud. As I was still trying to finish up I thought I might distract him temporarily by snapping the towel. I figured the loud noise would cause him to pause. It didnt quite work out that way. Instead he laughed, and not just any laugh. A Butthead laugh. Yes, a Butthead laugh. And he does it every time I snap the towel.

I imagine him one day towel-snapping his brothers and sisters and laughing and saying "that was cool." I may have to post a video of that cuz it is just too cute!

I've Got a Brand New Girlfriend

This video is just too great.

Grandmothers story of Bunker Hill

Quite long, but a pretty good piece.

Grandmother's story of Bunker Hill
(As she saw it from the Belfry)

by Oliver Wendell Holmes

'Tis like stirring living embers when, at eighty, one remembers
All the achings and the quakings of "the times that tried men's souls";
When I talk of Whig and Tory, when I tell the Rebel story,
To you the words are ashes, but to me they're burning coals.

I had heard the muskets' rattle of the April running battle;
Lord Percy's hunted soldiers, I can see their red coats still;
But a deadly chill comes o'er me, as the day looms up before me,
When a thousand men lay bleeding on the slopes of Bunker's Hill.

'Twas a peaceful summer's morning, when the first thing gave us warning
Was the booming of the cannon from the river and the shore:
"Child," says grandma, "what's the matter, what is all this noise and clatter?
Have those scalping Indian devils come to murder us once more?"

Poor old soul! my sides were shaking in the midst of all my quaking
To hear her talk of Indians when the guns began to roar:
She had seen the burning village, and the slaughter and the pillage,
When the Mohawks killed her father, with their bullets through his door.

Then I said, "Now, dear old granny, don't you fret and worry any,
For I'll soon come back and tell you whether this is work or play;
There can't be mischief in it, so I won't be gone a minute"
For a minute then I started. I was gone the livelong day.

No time for bodice-lacing or for looking-glass grimacing;
Down my hair went as I hurried, tumbling half-way to my heels;
God forbid your ever knowing, when there's blood around her flowing,
How the lonely, helpless daughter of a quiet household feels!

In the street I heard a thumping; and I knew it was the stumping
Of the Corporal, our old neighbor, on that wooden leg he wore,
With a knot of women round him, it was lucky I had found him,
So I followed with the others, and the Corporal marched before.

They were making for the steeple, the old soldier and his people;
The pigeons circled round us as we climbed the creaking stair,
Just across the narrow river O, so close it made me shiver!
Stood a fortress on the hilltop that but yesterday was bare.

Not slow our eyes to find it; well we knew who stood behind it,
Though the earthwork hid them from us, and the stubborn walls were dumb:
Here were sister, wife, and mother, looking wild upon each other,
And their lips were white with terror as they said, "The Hour has Come!"

The morning slowly wasted, not a morsel had we tasted,
And our heads were almost splitting with the cannons' deafening thrill,
When a figure tall and stately round the rampart strode sedately;
It was Prescott, one since told me; he commanded on the hill.

Every woman's heart grew bigger when we saw his manly figure,
With the banyan buckled round it, standing up so straight and tall;
Like a gentleman of leisure who is strolling out for pleasure,
Through the storm of shells and cannon-shot he walked around the wall.

At eleven the streets were swarming, for the red-coats' ranks were forming;
At noon in marching order they were moving to the piers;
How the bayonets gleamed and glistened, as we looked far down and listened
To the trampling and the drum-beat of the belted grenadiers!

At length the men have started, with a cheer (it seemed faint-hearted),
In their scarlet regimentals, with their knapsacks on their backs,
And the reddening, rippling water, as after a sea-fight's slaughter,
Round the barges gliding onward blushed like blood along their tracks.

So they crossed to the other border, and again they formed in order;
And the boats came back for soldiers, came for soldiers, soldiers still:
The time seemed everlasting to us women faint and fasting,
At last they're moving, marching, marching proudly up the hill.

We can see the bright steel glancing all along the lines advancing
Now the front rank fires a volley—they have thrown away their shot;
Far behind the earthwork lying, all the balls above them flying,
Our people need not hurry; so they wait and answer not.

Then the Corporal, our old cripple (he would swear sometimes and tipple),
He had heard the bullets whistle (in the old French war) before,
Calls out in words of jeering, just as if they all were hearing,
And his wooden leg thumps fiercely on the dusty belfry floor:

"Oh! fire away, ye villains, and earn King George's shillin's,
But ye'll waste a ton of powder afore a 'rebel' falls;
You may bang the dirt and welcome, they're as safe as Dan'l Malcolm
Ten foot beneath the gravestone that you've splintered with your balls!"

In the hush of expectation, in the awe and trepidation
Of the dread approaching moment, we are well-nigh breathless all;
Though the rotten bars are failing on the rickety belfry railing,
We are crowding up against them like the waves against a wall.

Just a glimpse (the air is clearer), they are nearer, nearer, nearer,
When a flash a curling smoke-wreath then a crash the steeple shakes
The deadly truce is ended; the tempest's shroud is rended;
Like a morning mist it gathered, like a thunder-cloud it breaks!

O the sight our eyes discover as the blue-black smoke blows over!
The red-coats stretched in windrows as a mower rakes his hay;
Here a scarlet heap is lying, there a headlong crowd is flying
Like a billow that has broken and is shivered into spray.

Then we cried, "The troops are routed! they are beat it can't be doubted!
God be thanked, the fight is over!" Ah! the grim old soldier's smile!
"Tell us, tell us why you look so?" (we could hardly speak, we shook so),
"Are they beaten? Are they beaten? Are they beaten?" - "Wait a while."

O the trembling and the terror! for too soon we saw our error:
They are baffled, not defeated; we have driven them back in vain;
And the columns that were scattered, round the colors that were tattered,
Toward the sullen silent fortress turn their belted breasts again.

All at once, as we are gazing, lo the roofs of Charlestown blazing!
They have fired the harmless village; in an hour it will be down!
The Lord in heaven confound them, rain his fire and brimstone round them,
The robbing, murdering red-coats, that would burn a peaceful town!

They are marching, stern and solemn; we can see each massive column
As they near the naked earth-mound with the slanting walls so steep.
Have our soldiers got faint-hearted, and in noiseless haste departed?
Are they panic-struck and helpless? Are they palsied or asleep?

Now! the walls they're almost under! scarce a rod the foes asunder!
Not a firelock flashed against them! up the earthwork they will swarm!
But the words have scarce been spoken, when the ominous calm is broken,
And a bellowing crash has emptied all the vengeance of the storm!

So again, with murderous slaughter, pelted backward to the water,
Fly Pigot's running heroes and the frightened braves of Howe;
And we shout, "At last they're done for, it's their barges they have run for:
They are beaten, beaten, beaten; and the battle's over now!"

And we looked, poor timid creatures, on the rough old soldier's features,
Our lips afraid to question, but he knew what we would ask:
"Not sure," he said; "keep quiet, once more, I guess, they'll try it
Here's damnation to the cut-throats!" then he handed me his flask,

Saying, "Gal, you're looking shaky; have a drop of old Jamaiky:
I'm afraid there'll be more trouble afore this job is done;"
So I took one scorching swallow; dreadful faint I felt and hollow,
Standing there from early morning when the firing was begun.

All through those hours of trial I had watched a calm clock dial,
As the hands kept creeping, creeping, they were creeping round to four,
When the old man said, "They're forming with their bayonets fixed for storming:
It's the death grip that's a coming, they will try the works once more."

With brazen trumpets blaring, the flames behind them glaring,
The deadly wall before them, in close array they come;
Still onward, upward toiling, like a dragon's fold uncoiling
Like the rattlesnake's shrill warning the reverberating drum!

Over heaps all torn and gory shall I tell the fearful story,
How they surged above the breastwork, as a sea breaks over a deck;
How, driven, yet scarce defeated, our worn-out men retreated,
With their powder-horns all emptied, like the swimmers from a wreck?

It has all been told and painted; as for me, they say I fainted,
And the wooden-legged old Corporal stumped with me down the stair:
When I woke from dreams affrighted the evening lamps were lighted,
On the floor a youth was lying; his bleeding breast was bare.

And I heard through all the flurry, "Send for Warren! hurry! hurry!
Tell him here's a soldier bleeding, and he'll come and dress his wound!"
Ah, we knew not till the morrow told its tale of death and sorrow,
How the starlight found him stiffened on the dark and bloody ground.

Who the youth was, what his name was, where the place from which he came was,
Who had brought him from the battle, and had left him at our door,
He could not speak to tell us; but 'twas one of our brave fellows,
As the homespun plainly showed us which the dying soldier wore.

For they all thought he was dying, as they gathered 'round him crying,
And they said, "O, how they'll miss him!" and, "What will his mother do?"
Then, his eyelids just unclosing like a child's that has been dozing,
He faintly murmured, "Mother!" and I saw his eyes were blue.

"Why, grandma, how you're winking!" Ah, my child, it sets me thinking
Of a story not like this one. Well, he somehow lived along;
So we came to know each other, and I nursed him like a mother,
Till at last he stood before me, tall, and rosy-cheeked, and strong.

And we sometimes walked together in the pleasant summer weather;
"Please to tell us what his name was?" Just your own, my little dear,
There's his picture Copley painted: we became so well acquainted,
That in short, that's why I'm grandma, and you children all are here!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Job Search

I put out 3 applications today and picked up 5 or so more today. Also as I was talking with some old colleagues at the grocery store I used to work at (that was hard because of all the time that Beloved and I worked there together) a customer who happens to employee a LOT of drivers came thru. He didnt need any at the moment as he had just trained ten of his guys for a CDL but he did take my ph# and asked if it was okay if he gave it to other people. So that is a positive. I also dont believe that was a coincidence, for it is as the Jews say "Coincidence isnt a kosher word."

Anyways, three of the places are currently hiring, one wants a Class A CDL but it almost sounded like they might train for that, and one would be a fool to pass up free training. I did that once after I got my GED. I went back into the community college to get the test scores as that was the testing place, and the lady who gave me the scores informed me that I would have a full ride with them if I applied. Combine not knowing what you want to do, a very long drive, and 6 MPG in the beast you drive (very very fast car and I drove it fast which undoubtedly contributed to the piss-poor milage) stir, and you get a tremendously stupid decision to not take the free courses.

Life is full of stupid decisions tho. At a summer camp years ago some of the kids as us leaders if we regret things in our past and if we could go back and change things, would we? The answer we both gave was no, we wouldnt change things, but yes we regreted some things. But all those things, good and bad, have made us who we are today and it does no good to look back and long for things to be different. Those things are now only good as a guide on what to do or not to do.

Yes, I know it is rambling. Just be thankful it isnt another somebody-please-kill-me post. (o=

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Trap-Jaw Ant

The fastest jaw in the world belongs to the trap-jaw ant, Odontomachus bauri. It is capable of closing its mandibles shut at between 78 mph and 145 mph. Not only is it fast, it is useful too! The ant is able to aim its mandibles at the ground and fling himself away from predators. It is able to go as much as 3.2 inches in the air and travel as far as 15.6 inches. Quite the distance when you are only 1/3 inch long.

What you dont know can kill you

I didnt know that there is a sorrow that makes depression seem like a rainy day.

I didnt know that there is pain that will leave you breathless for hours.

I didnt know that having your soul ripped out could hurt so bad.

I didnt know that you could cry so much it'd make you throw up.

I still dont know how to stop loving her.


Would somebody please shoot me and put me out of my misery?
Two to the chest, one to the head. Large caliber only please.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

My Apologies

Sorry about the lack of posting lately. I cant come up with anything to post. Nothing in my life I can really post here. I know what I need to do and just have to do it. Some things just need to fall into place. One of those things is a decent job.

I am currently a bus driver but I am hoping to get into a place where I can operate a dump. Good money in those once you become an owner/operator and thru the magic of Ebay I can find a decent one for next to nothing (as far as dump trucks go) For example, there was a 2001 Freightliner down the road going for 58,500, and on Ebay there is a 2001 Mack class 8 dump going for 27,100. Half price, same damn thing. I assumed the Freightliner was also a class 8, if not than it makes the Mack look even better. Also, this 1989 International has a buy it now of only 9,500. It is also a class 8. A loan on something like that would cost less than 400 a month with an income potential of over 6k a month. That is nothing to sneeze at.

One puzzle piece in front of me, just need to attain it. Others are in the works, the question is when...

Monday, August 14, 2006

Airline Passengers To Be Naked

News Item
Due to the rising risk of a terrorist strike against airlines, the Department of Homeland Security is now banning all luggage and clothing on the plane. "This is the only way to protect the rights and safety of American citizens" as they fly, said spokesperson Bea Yllin. Ms. Bea Yllin cautioned travelers to prepare themselves for the change and come to the terminal in the nude or to change in one of the restrooms and have a friend keep those clothes for them.

Whitehouse spokesman Tony Snow gave a stern warning to terrorist today at a hastily called press conference. "You cannot hide, we will find you. We will uncover your operations just as we have exposed this latest attempt."

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Olympic National Park

I thought I would put up some pics of the Hoh Rain Forest on the Olympic penninsula. This is an area that I would like for my boy and I to be able to spend a lot of time in. Maybe we'll just have to move up there. Less and less seems to be holding me here...

This last one is so you can see just how big these trees are. One tree in particular has a diameter of just over 20 feet! (Not this one tho. This one is "only" 14 feet in diameter)

Believe it or not, UHaul has some great info on the Olympic National Park on their website.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


Hollow and empty.

And lonely.

4 and a half years of my life.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Chasing Pebbles

Heidi's got a good post. Check it out...

I learned how I could control and hurt by what I offered and what I withheld. I demanded of him when his body made demands his morals couldn't condone. I found that shame hurts worse when it comes from love comprimised.

It has taken me a long time to understand being alone and powerful is merely an illusion. Then I didn't understand I had created my own solitary place. I can see now how isolation sucking at the fringes of my sanity drove me to seek comfort in dark and desperate places.

I remember a type of power to hurt and punish. Now I try to find the power in hope and love to heal.

Our lives can be lessons.

Or we can hide them away in dark closets. Collecting dust. Parasites feeding on the shame of our wretched behavior.

If we hide, we doom ourselves to repeat the same song over and over and over and over....

And we never grow up.