In my last post I said that blogging felt empty and hollow. It isnt blogging so much as me. I feel empty and hollow. Devoid of purpose. Devoid of a war to wage, battles to fight, frontiers to explore, pioneering to be done.
I admit that I still feel that boyish call to adventure, but all I seem to be able to feel or do is duty. It makes me unsatisfied with my life, with my job. Being yoked to the plow, and having to do it at a specific time every day kills me. There is no room for individuality or adventure in the modern world, the modern economy. There are no trades. No creating with ones hands. No danger beyond getting called into the bosses office. What is there to pit oneself against? To test oneself with?
When I was young I saw myself flying an F-15 of an A-10, today I'd still love to fly that A-10 or become a bush pilot. Bombers and (oddly) cargo planes appeal to me. I live directly underneath the airspace for a large airport and air force base. I am reminded of my desire every day. But the realities of life dont permit me to join them in the sky. I'm grounded, and there is no end in sight for that.
Who didnt want to be a cowboy? On one's own, wrestling against seasons and weather, living off the land. Or an astronaut. I just knew I would be the perfect astronaut. But not just for near-earth orbit. I'd be the one to explore the stars. See things no one had ever seen. Beauty untold and unimagined, except in my own head.
Last I was in Washington I lived off the mighty Columbia River. It is massive and moving. Jetskis, sailboards, sailboats, barges and even Navy vessels. Where I lived, PDX was right across the river and Patterson (IIRC) airfield was on my side. There was even a train right along the river on my side. Even something as silly as the houseboats (where the houses are on pontoons and the garage houses the family boat. And it is also the home of one of the oldest forts, an old trading outpost. And the Lewis and Clark trail, undoubtedly a boyhood dream, the adventure of seeing new lands far away from civilization. Talk about a little boy's dream! And yet all these things were always just out of reach for me.
Being wild. That is what it comes down to. I am duty bound. Sure it is largely self imposed as I have no doubt bought into the lie that a man must be tame and civilized to be a man. Even the church foists this lie upon us. But I am feeling trapped in duty now. Not to say that I want to shirk that duty because I most certainly don't. I love my wife and child in ways that I cant put into words and I want and need to provide for them however I can. But can duty live next to adventure? There must be a way to have both.
There must be a way to throw off the yokes of civilization (mine and societies) while doing those things I need to do. A way to find my heart again...