Amongst all the hustle and bustle of getting the store ready for a walk-through and having to do inventory today something was brought to my attention that caused me to stop short. I dont know if any of you have heard of the lady in Colorado Springs who killed her two sons and then commited suicide, but obviously it has been all over the news here. Well, I was really trying to avoid it as that sort of story bothers me, so whats the point right? Well, I picked up a paper so I had something to read at lunch and opened up to this story and saw the picture. A family portrait of a woman I know. A woman who is no more.
Julie was a woman who spent much of her time volunteering at church. At times she seemed a fixture of the church and that isnt an easy thing to accomplish in a mega-church. Because she was always around I personally worked along-side her in times past. We would trade off working the bookstore on sundays so we didnt always get stuck working.
Looking back, I guess I can see more clearly the depression she fought with off and on thru the years. It is hard to understand the depths of despair, how wounded the spirit can truly be. Hard to comprehend that others are bleeding from their souls. Fortunately most will never be able to understand it because they will never experience it but I have been there, and I know only too well. The emotional pain becomes physical pain making it even hard to breathe.
When you begin to understand the despair of one in depression, you can see how they might be led to take their children along with them. Once the decision to take her life had been made, the thought of her children with no mother would have hurt her even more. The solution she chose was to not let them go through that pain.
I make no excuse for Julie's actions. Just expressing my sorrow. I pray that Julie had not slipped from the Hands of Grace and I pray that her children, Gabriel and Nathan, are found to have their names in the Lamb's Book of Life. Also for her husband and family, and all those who knew her. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose." May it be as you have said Lord.
Perhaps, like me, she spent that time serving in an attempt to feel worthy. Worthy of love, acceptance and G-d's salvation and forgiveness.